This is Part V in a mini-series honoring our heaven-baby, begin by reading Part I, Longing for Baby #5 here.
“But where IS our baby?” My kids asked earnestly as Michael told them the news that our baby went to heaven.
It was hard to grasp…
Wednesday had come and we arranged for a dear friend to take me to my ultrasound.
I envisioned laying down, see my baby bean appear on the screen, hear the sweet heartbeat and know everything was going to be just fine. I was prepared that even if I didn’t see the little heart beating, I would speak LIFE, agreeing with my faith-filled friend, and together we would see a miracle materialize on screen.
I was not prepared for loss.
Four kids and four healthy pregnancies had given me enough experience to know what to look for during an ultrasound, so you can imagine how utterly perplexed I was when I didn't see any baby bean on the screen.
I kept asking question after question to the ultrasound technician.
Desperate to hear the heartbeat, I begged her to “turn on the sound” but it didn’t work like that she said, the Doppler would have to latch onto something that was producing sound to hear anything.
There was no baby.
I wept. I was confused. I didn’t know what to do.
On the ride home, my midwife called me and told me what the technician didn’t. There was an embryonic sack she found filled with “debris”… my baby had likely died a few weeks prior, flying up to the Fathers hands in total secret. I was undone.
My baby I longed to see, hold, smell and kiss was already in the Fathers arms. I had gone on living, not even knowing the precious life inside me had died. It was unthinkable.
I cried the whole way home unable to speak.
My sweet friend prayed and sang over me softly, delivering me home safely just as rush hour traffic flooded the highways.
I arrived home before Michael and the kids. Weeping in my room, I heard the car doors shut and the front door open. My sweet family streamed in softly singing the words of Jesus Loves Me. We all wept. The kids asked questions about why we wouldn’t get to hold our baby.
Where did the baby go? they wanted to know... she was already with Jesus...
Michael shared with me how that morning, Shayley (3), unaware of the severity of the circumstances concerning our baby, came up to him and asked, “Is Jesus a good man?”
“Oh yes” Michael replied warmly. “Can He hold our baby?” Shayley asked. “Yes He can” Michael reassured her. “I want to see Him, I want to see Him so He can give me a new dress so I can fly!” Shayley responded.
This unscripted conversation was a kiss from heaven as we all grieved.
A beautiful song of mourning and remembrance welled-up out of Michael that night, and lulled our other kids to sleep, comforting my weeping, broken heart.
I had written a letter to our baby just days after finding out I was pregnant. In it, I 'introduced' baby to each member of our family... I read that secret letter out loud to Michael and we cried. I guess we will have to wait a bit longer than we initially anticipated...
I was disgusted and confused and infuriated at the INJUSTICE of Death entering my home... Death had entered MY WOMB and stole MY child! The depth and plethora of emotions felt in such a brief amount of time is stunningly complex. This is another way we as women, as humans, reflect the image of God.
Singing "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher this past Resurrection Sunday hit me in such a real way in light of losing my baby... "O Death where is your sting" resonated through my entire being as I KNOW there will be a day... one minute from now, where Death will be thrown forever into the lake of fire (Revelation 20:14), and we will enjoy the beautiful Resurrection of the dead!
Father God too, has experienced the injustice of His Son's death and promises to be close to the brokenhearted. What a beautiful promise!
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
Look for Part VI, Grieving soon...
Read my previous blog, Part IV, The Battle Rages.