This is Part IV in a mini-series honoring our heaven-baby, begin by reading Part I, Longing for Baby #5 here.
When we think of battles or war, oftentimes we picture something happening far away with tanks, men in uniform and weapons... but there is a battle field much closer to home with potential casualties just as serious. You may pass a hundred people everyday whose outer countenance seems serene but who are fighting tooth and nail for their life, sanity & families.
At 10 weeks pregnant, I was experiencing symptoms of miscarriage with our fifth baby. When the symptoms continued and progressed in severity, I decided to reach out to my midwife to see what she suggested. She dropped everything and made room for me to come in for bloodwork and to see if we could hear baby’s heartbeat.
I was shaky and nervous leading up to the appointment. I felt helpless as I realized there wasn’t much I could do other than pray. Michael brought me up some food and began declaring life over our baby as I cried. Things were not right. I could not imagine my baby had died, yet I knew something was gravely wrong and my baby needed healing.
At my midwife’s office, we were unable to find a heartbeat, but she reassured me that it may be because baby was still so little. A professional sonogram would clear things up and we ordered an ultrasound.
I drove home with the song “Rattle” blasting over my phone and I held the speaker up to my belly. My spirit cried out with every fiber of my strength “LIVE” along with all of heaven.
Living on this side of eternity is an existence fraught with contradictions and requires a balancing act of paradoxes.
God's Word is true and always brings about a return... but sometimes we don't see the fulfillment of the promise like we were hoping.
We live with the reality of strong emotions, even alongside having faith… we lean upon Jesus even through tears.
We fight and also rest under the shadow of the Almighty all at the same time.
We stand firm on the Word, build our faith by reading Smith Wigglesworth sermons… and still know it’s ok to cry.
I was not able to schedule an ultrasound until Wednesday afternoon so Tuesday was a day of contending. Informed by James 5:14-15, Michael arranged for three groups of elders from church to come to our home and anoint me with oil and pray for our baby’s life and healing. He also secured someone on nearly every continent to pray life over my baby and our families all knew to pray.
Still the symptoms persisted and got worse… symptoms tempting me to despair.
“Stay baby, stay. You are Loved.”
And in the same breath…
“I trust You Jesus. You are a good Father.”