In November of 2021, at 10 weeks pregnant I miscarried our sweet baby, Maranatha. I was surprised that we lost her and I was humbled by how weak it left me feeling. You can read Longing for Baby #5 here. It is part one in a seven part series where I walk through our battle to overcome through faith, the dark moments clouded by death and share the encouragement I received from the Lord!
Unexpectedly, the Lord gave us another baby shortly after, it has been a pregnancy I have treasured in my heart... today I am 32 weeks and even as I write, I am enjoying feeling the happy hiccups in my now, very large tummy. Here is the Bonus Edition... enjoy!
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I took a pregnancy test... it was positive.
Surely I could not be pregnant. Just days before Christmas, likely my hormones were still a bit off from losing Maranatha last month (so I thought) and I continued with life. A few more weeks went by and still my cycle had not returned... could I be pregnant? Was that even possible?
My midwife, who had been so sweet to check in on me every so often since the miscarriage, confirmed that, yes... it was definitely possible and instructed me to take another pregnancy test. Again, it was positive.
With every previous pregnancy, a giddy feeling of joyful anticipation had accompanied those soft blue lines... but this time around, I could sense a very real struggle swirl around me. The bitter taste of deferred hope was fresh in my mouth and a tormenting fear whispered from behind that I might loose another baby.
When I went to get my blood drawn later that day and my midwife tried (unsuccessfully) to detect the heartbeat using her hand doppler (again, this is normal for early pregnancy), I basically left in tears trying so hard not be afraid and discouraged.
Beloved, let me encourage you with something you definitely need to hear.
Just because you feel afraid, does not mean you have failed.
This truth applies to the many unsavory emotions we feel as humans.
Fear. Worry. Jealousy. Anxiety. Anger...
You can do the right thing, respond in the right way even while feeling the "wrong" emotion and you are doing it! You are fighting the good battle of faith and the Lord is smiling at you, all of heaven is cheering for you and YOU ARE DOING IT!!!
Still, I felt so tired... tired of everything being hard, exhausted from contending. I felt weak, and then I was discouraged at my weakness and the low threshold I had for pain and hard things! Maybe this is you right now...
And yet, the kindness of the Lord...
Days later, a powerhouse friend named Tiffany read me this word and I adopted it as my own immediately, you can too! This is what the Lord said:
"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."
2 Chronicles 20:17
Thank You Jesus! The battle wasn't over, but I was going to have help... and more than that, the Lord was reminding me that He is my great Defender! That whatever was going to happen, He was going to be with me and help me. Praise the Lord!
UPDATE: As I sit at my breakfast table, gazing out my south-facing window at the green fresh lawn, newly refreshed by this morning's thundershowers... I can see the rising sun slowly creep from behind the trees and touch each dewy blade. My little rainbow baby, Raylyn (18months) is standing on the chair next to me playing with her "laptop", eagerly hitting buttons and babbling happily.
I am beyond grateful for this little gift from heaven and throughout her whole pregnancy, I felt a bit like Mary and Elizabeth, treasuring all the little kisses from the Lord in my heart... not really wanting to share too much with too many people becasause I just needed to stay in the secret place, tuning my ear to hear the voice of my Shepherd. It is basically impossible to NOT look pregnant after you've had as many babies as I have... I joke that as soon as I take a test, my stomach pops out to the 3-month-pregnant status to accomodate the new tenant, but I was basicaly in denial with Raylyn, thinking no one could tell. I wore baggy sweatshirts everywhere becauses I just wanted to keep her little life a secret and treasure every sweet moment... I just couldnt handle the potential conversations, pressures or insensitivities of other people.
As it turns out, I was super low in progesterone during my last two pregnancies and after losing Maranatha, I was able to immediately begin supplementing my low levels of progeterone with 3 different things. So if you are anticipating pregnancy after experiencing miscarriage, take notes!
As soon as you get a positive pregnancy test, have your provider get your bloodwork and check your Progesterone levels. Many miscarriages result from low progesterone levels and natural supplements may likely help with that.
Amp up your progesterone naturally! Here are the supplements I took: Progestertonic by WishGarden, Chaste Berry (Vitex) Supplement, and a good Progestrone Cream. I linked some good options for you ;)
Take your Vitamin D3, prenatal vitamins (with folate... not "folic acid") and eat healthy! I always joke that I'm often the healthiest during pregnancy (eating healthy, limiting sweets, working out, etc) because I am doing it FOR my baby! When it is simply for my own benefit... eeeeeeh Lord help me!
Talk to Jesus, and go back to my post about Facing Miscarriage or Loss for tools and scriptures to strengthen you in the fight against fear and the accusation of the enemy! Ask the Father for a word, dream or encouragement from Him... something to stand on in the middle of this battle... I shared one of the words He gave me above!
Talk with your people, process & pray with those precious people God has put in your life. There is something so special about walking through hard trials with friends. It knits your hearts together in a way only possible during dark seasons.
(Look for my upcoming post about what the Lord spoke to me during this last pregnancy... I know it will encourage you whether you are pregnant or not!)
When Raylyn was big enough for me to feel her move and kick in my stomach, I was filled with so much comfort. I didnt need to wait until my next prenatal appointment to hear her beautiful heartbeat (I recorded each one to savor in-between), all I needed to do was lay on the couch and feel her kick and cuddle into me. It brought tremendous peace to my heart and by this time, I was definitely showing. Her birth was beautiful and she truly has been such a kind, precious gift from the Lord - a ray of light, piercing the darkness!
I would love to hear from you! What scriptures is the Lord encouraging you with?
Has anyone else been surprised by getting pregnant so quickly after having a miscarriage?
Hi Melody! This is Paula Ford from Michigan. How are you? You and Micheal have such a precious family! That scripture spoke to the depths of my heart. In 2010 Kevin had a mystery illness that brought him home from work for around 6 months. During the thinning weeks of this sick leave I miscarried(I didn’t even know I was pregnant until then). Then my sister almost died due to a head on crash and came to live with us for a bit. This was insane, like a tornado of tragedy! But shortly after the miracles started flowing- My sister momentarily recovered, Kevin went to church, got prayed for, and God healed him within weeks. Also, the day he we…