This is Part I in a mini series (because this story is too long to share in one sitting) where I will share a deeply personal story about our fifth baby, Maranatha Worth, who is now in heaven with Jesus. Going to a place of transparency and vulnerability is not super fun but I feel compelled to share as I hope it will pierce the darkness and silence that oftentimes surrounds and plagues those who have experienced the trauma of losing a child.
You are not alone.
Revelation 12:11 declares victory for us brave ones:
“Now salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of the brethren, who accused them before our God day and night, has been cast down. And they overcame [the accuser, the Devil, Satan] by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.”
So here goes the testimony… I will share it with you, even as a direct affront to the accuser’s taunts and shaming. I pray through my story… my testimony, you may experience some measure of encouragement, freedom, or comfort and may Jesus be glorified!
…
It was a terrible sight, the bright red hue of blood. The fresh color was a sight no mom wants to see in her first trimester. Even at a mere 10 weeks old, my baby, no bigger than a raspberry, was already so real to our little family of 6.
My heart ached and longed for this baby… we all did. Shortly after Teryn’s birth (baby #4), I remembered looking around the dining room, counting four blonde heads and still feeling as though someone were missing. I remember one morning at the breakfast table, Rowin (our oldest), asked me if I wanted #5 and I told him, yes, yes I did.
Neither of us knew I was pregnant.
When I did find out, Michael and I treasured the secret between us and Jesus. Weeks later, a friend came up to Michael and jokingly asked if I was pregnant with a little girl as he proceeded to pull a purple sticker off Michael that said “Girl”… Michael laughed it off.
At 7 weeks pregnant, we hadn’t told anyone, but later found out that at 7 weeks gestation, the first signs of a baby’s gender become visible! When we told the kids - they were very excited! Kenley and Shayley were already begging me to hold the baby!
Each sibling took turns kissing my tummy, asking questions and voicing their growing anticipation for our new baby.
But at 10 weeks, alone on a Sunday evening… the kids already in bed and Michael singing at the house of prayer… I was seeing signs… scary signs that I had never experienced before. I texted Michael to pray and I knew that with some rest and sleep… it could all turn around by morning.
Monday morning came, and the bleeding continued.
In stark opposition to the fear that tried to grip me, I wrote decidedly in my journal,
“My disposition today: JOY. I trust you, Lord with my child & my body.
Heal, restore and fill me.”
I specifically made it a point to smile throughout the day (more than usual) as an act of faith, all the while meditating on Psalm 5:11-12 which states,
“But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your Name be joyful in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; with favor You will surround them as with a shield.”